I love some memories. The fun, the not so fun. Looking for the blessings among the struggles. I look back now and some memories make me laugh, even though not so funny at the time. Now I can find the funny among the annoyance, the blessings among the struggles.
My Husband's and My First Vacation Alone, By Ourselves, Without Others We Know
My husband and I decided to take a weekend and go to the Florida Keys in October 2002. Since we had 3 dogs at the time (one - 12 year old mixed breed named Bingo; one - 2 year old Jack Russell named Cricket, and one -1 year old Rat Terrier named Daisey) I had called ahead and reserved us a room at a cottage in Islamorada that allowed us to have dogs.
My husband and I had never taken a vacation by ourselves. Our vacations always consisted of visiting family, so we were (I was) pretty excited about the vacation.
When the journey started, my husband was the pilot and I was the co-pilot. We hadn't hardly made a mile, when Daisey (aka Baby Daisey) threw up. Since one of my roles in our house is the official PCU (Puke Cleaner Upper) it was my job to clean up the mess.
After the clean up was complete, we continued on our journey. Two people, ready to spend time alone together, with 3 dogs wanting our undivided attention.
The two younger dogs (Cricket and Daisey) were not happy being in the back seat, so they decided it would be in their best interest to express their non-appreciation for their current plight.
Cricket began to whine. It was more of soft whine. Daisey, however, decided to yell at us in a high pitch scream. After a short while of listening to this, I considered throwing myself out the window of the car. However, we were headed down the highway at a pretty fast pace, and the point of this vacation was to have fun, reduce stress and rekindle the love. Besides all that, I am really a wimp and the thought of myself splattered on the road was not something I wanted to put myself through. In retrospect, I probably should have searched for other, non painful, options.
The only way to get Daisey and Cricket to stop their annoying behavior was to put them in the front seat with me. Would it had been to leave the dogs in at a kennel? Most definitely, yes. But I think my husband would rather see me behind bars before he would want to see the dogs behind bars.
We finally arrived in Islamorada at our cute little cottage, aka "vacation paradise". It was Friday afternoon. The weather was nice, the cottage was cute, and it looked like things might be improving for our first vacation. I was wrong.
Friday was low key and we just hung out at the cottage. Starting Saturday morning, however, there was a high that met a low. I am not talking about my mood swings, or my, and my husband's, current discussions we were having. I am talking about air pressure and jet streams. The things that make the winds go to and fro.
The warm air had decided to meet up with the cold air and they went to war to see who would take control of the area. While determining this, they decided to send 20 - 30 mph winds on Saturday morning and 50 mph gale force winds by late Saturday afternoon.
The winds were not enough to allow either the cold air or the warm air to win the war, so they decided to add much rain throughout the day and night. I mean a lot of rain.
My husband and I had thought about taking out a paddle boat on Saturday, in between the rain drops, but we weren't sure if we would end up in Mexico or Africa. Since we couldn't decide which country we would like to visit, we decided it best to leave the paddle boat alone.
The cottages were on the Gulf side, but with the waves, breaking over the sea wall, made it look more like the Atlantic side.
The cold air finally won the war, and by Sunday morning the winds had died down to 15-20 mph. But then it was chilly (or for us Floridians, it was cold).
I found out through this weather experience, that there are actually times that people in the Keys wear light jackets and sweaters. If the manager of our "vacation paradise" was correct, the cold we experienced, of 56 degrees, was not the the coldest it had ever been. He thought the lowest recorded cold spell was 42 degrees, or possibly 46 degrees.
Having the dogs at the cottage was interesting. Daisey stole one or neighbors shoes and brought it back to Glen. I think when she smelled the shoe, she must have thought, "hey, this smells like Dad's feet". Then Daisey thought she could take on a doberman. Thank God for leashes. We had to worry about leaving the dogs and them barking in the room and disturbing the neighbors.
Apparently, this was the correct thing to worry about. I realized my neighbors had enough of our dogs barking by Sunday. My clue was when the lady in the cottage next to me asked me, in a somewhat strained voice, "Your aren't staying all week, are you". I reassured her that we would not be leaving on Monday.
The cottage we rented was bright yellow with a white door and white shutters on the windows. It had a little living room, a little bathroom, a little area for the bed and a little kitchenette. It was actually quite cute even if it was the cottage closest to the road (of the only road leading in and out of the Keys). #1 room for #1 people, that's what I say.
Being close to the road really did not create any problems for us. The cottage must have been well insulated. We did not hear our neighbors (which they could not say of us), the cars on the road or even the gale force winds.
The only problem with the cottage was the couch and TV. The couch never wanted you to leave. Once you sat it in, it somehow swallowed you and wouldn't let you get back up. The TV, on the other hand, did not want us there. It had a life of it's own. After you had it on for a while, it would get tired and turn itself off. Then to be funny, it would turn itself back on. The TV would continue with the on again, off again, until it was finished amusing itself, then it would shut itself off for good.
I shouldn't make too much fun of our "vacation paradise". The room was clean. The grounds were well kept. The manager and staff were accommodating. And even though we didn't get to do a lot, we did step out a little on Sunday and got to meet a local artist, Kelly Hosteller.
Also, on Sunday, we were able to see tarpon, lobster, sting rays, parrot fish, and other type of fish off the dock. The dock area had a nice place where you could walk into the water and swim. I am not sure who would want to do that, the tarpon were huge.
I did take pictures during this vacation. I have pictures of the waves breaking over the sea wall. I have pictures of the clouds covering up the sun. I think I might even have taken a picture of the shoe Daisey stole.
Just some after thoughts:
People think taking dogs on vacation is nuts. They are right.
Would I go back to the Keys again? Sure.
Would I take the dogs again? No.
Would I take my husband again? Sure, he helps pay the bills.
Would I stay at the same place? You betcha.
So what is we spent over $100 a night to stare at each other and entertain the dogs. Isn't that what vacations are about?
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Being Diagnosed
Since my last breast cancer was 6 1/2 years ago, I only have my mammogram once a year. Both previous breast cancers were caught on a mammogram, but this once was not. I had a mammogram in April of this year and everything came back clean. All three cancers have been on the same breast.
At the same time I was having a mammogram, I had a little spot that had come up on my breast that looked like a dot from a pen. My surgeon said to watch it, and see if it changed.
My surgeon tells me the truth with compassion. All surgery is explained in detail. He answers all the questions I have. I love my surgeon. He has performed every surgery that I have had to have done. I trust him with my life.
Just as a note, I like to talk about my doctors, because I think they are the best in their areas of expertise. I don't know that I could have doctors that were any better than the ones I have. I think Halifax Health Care has some of the best doctors. And my doctors are all under my Florida Health Care insurance.
So, back to the dot. The dot was sort of gray in color and was in a dented area in my breast, which was from a previous surgery. I thought the dot was a piece of dirt that had somehow got stuck in this dent. So, while taking a shower, I decided to scrub it. Then it started to change, and I thought it was because I irritated it. I don't know why I didn't think it was a problem, I guess it I thought it changed because I scrubbed it.
If it had not been for my annual radiation oncology appointment in July, I am not sure when I would have decided that the spot was an issue.
My radiation oncologist is a warm person. She is smart and funny. I appreciate funny and kind when I am scared. I admire and respect her. I am glad she is my doctor.
While my oncologist was examining me, I asked her what she thought it was on my breast. By this time it had grown to the size of a navy bean. It looked something like a gray scab and felt rough.
This was on a Thursday. She took one look, snapped a picture of it and sent it to my surgeon. An appointment was set on Monday to talk to the surgeon.
My surgeon said that it was possible that the spot could have been from being previously radiated (which was 12 years earlier), or, it could be the cancer was back. By Friday, I was having surgery, and the following week I found out it was cancer.
This type of cancer is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma with Her2/ neu. I read that most breast cancers are Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The Her2/ neu makes it more aggressive.
Petrified would be the best word I could to describe how i felt. When I feel strong, I can say "game on". I just wish I felt that way all the time.
At the same time I was having a mammogram, I had a little spot that had come up on my breast that looked like a dot from a pen. My surgeon said to watch it, and see if it changed.
My surgeon tells me the truth with compassion. All surgery is explained in detail. He answers all the questions I have. I love my surgeon. He has performed every surgery that I have had to have done. I trust him with my life.
Just as a note, I like to talk about my doctors, because I think they are the best in their areas of expertise. I don't know that I could have doctors that were any better than the ones I have. I think Halifax Health Care has some of the best doctors. And my doctors are all under my Florida Health Care insurance.
So, back to the dot. The dot was sort of gray in color and was in a dented area in my breast, which was from a previous surgery. I thought the dot was a piece of dirt that had somehow got stuck in this dent. So, while taking a shower, I decided to scrub it. Then it started to change, and I thought it was because I irritated it. I don't know why I didn't think it was a problem, I guess it I thought it changed because I scrubbed it.
If it had not been for my annual radiation oncology appointment in July, I am not sure when I would have decided that the spot was an issue.
My radiation oncologist is a warm person. She is smart and funny. I appreciate funny and kind when I am scared. I admire and respect her. I am glad she is my doctor.
While my oncologist was examining me, I asked her what she thought it was on my breast. By this time it had grown to the size of a navy bean. It looked something like a gray scab and felt rough.
This was on a Thursday. She took one look, snapped a picture of it and sent it to my surgeon. An appointment was set on Monday to talk to the surgeon.
My surgeon said that it was possible that the spot could have been from being previously radiated (which was 12 years earlier), or, it could be the cancer was back. By Friday, I was having surgery, and the following week I found out it was cancer.
This type of cancer is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma with Her2/ neu. I read that most breast cancers are Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The Her2/ neu makes it more aggressive.
Petrified would be the best word I could to describe how i felt. When I feel strong, I can say "game on". I just wish I felt that way all the time.
First Chemo Treatment
I thank God for the friends and family God has given me. I know they are putting up with a lot lately and I appreciate all the patience they have given me. As of late, I don't always have a lot of patience and I am not always nice.
The first chemo was this past Thursday. A long time friend came over and has stayed with me for the past three days. This allowed my husband to work, in case he needs to take time off later during this process.
We arrived at the oncology center at 10:00 a.m. The port had been put in the previous week, so they were able to access it pretty quick. It stings a little as they access the IV.
As they start hooking up the IV, my eyes tear up. I wish I was at home so I could lay in my bed and cry my heart out. I can't believe that I am having to go through this process. I am scared and anxious. I think about not only how I am going to get through today, but how will my body react over the next few weeks. I wonder how people make themselves go through this time after time. But I know the answer, just like me, they are wanting to have a longer life.
Once the IV was in, the drugs were added, and then more drugs were added, and then more drugs were added. The drugs have to be put through the IV one at time.
The nurses in the center are compassionate and kind (I can't say the same for myself) and my nurse gives me a hug. The other nurse in the center comes over and gives me a hug.
Every time a new drug is added, my nurse explains what they are giving me and how long the process will take.
While I am going through the process, it seems like I can feel everything my body is doing. My hands feel like they heat up, I get yucky tastes in my mouth. I wonder if part of this is imagined because I am so anxious. Every part of me wants to break and run. But being hooked to an IV makes this kind of difficult.
It is strange to think that without this process, my life expectancy would be 2 to 3 years. So, it is through the torture I put myself. I am not sure how much time chemo and a mastectomy will buy me, but the doctor is optimistic.
By the way, I have a great doctors. I like them all. When I am with my medical oncologist, I feel like I am watching a computer work. He is very concentrated and exact (which personally I appreciate). I think he must have a pretty high IQ. Then every once in a while he throws out something funny that makes you laugh.
During the day, my friend and I talk. She makes me laugh. She goes and gets us lunch. She watches a movie on her iPad and I watch a movie on my computer, even though I really can't pay attention. I know in my heart that if she had not been here with me today, I would have been more of a wreck than I already am. It is comforting to know you can have someone with you, who allows you to be yourself, and you don't have to hide your feelings.
The treatement finishes at around 3:00 p.m. For the most part, I just feel lathargic. But I know a lot of this has to do with the 2 Benadryl they gave me when the process started. Benadryl wipes me out.
The nurse reminds me that I have to be back tomorrow after 3:00 p.m. to get a shot to boost my white blood cells. All I can sarcastically think is "yay".
The first chemo was this past Thursday. A long time friend came over and has stayed with me for the past three days. This allowed my husband to work, in case he needs to take time off later during this process.
We arrived at the oncology center at 10:00 a.m. The port had been put in the previous week, so they were able to access it pretty quick. It stings a little as they access the IV.
As they start hooking up the IV, my eyes tear up. I wish I was at home so I could lay in my bed and cry my heart out. I can't believe that I am having to go through this process. I am scared and anxious. I think about not only how I am going to get through today, but how will my body react over the next few weeks. I wonder how people make themselves go through this time after time. But I know the answer, just like me, they are wanting to have a longer life.
Once the IV was in, the drugs were added, and then more drugs were added, and then more drugs were added. The drugs have to be put through the IV one at time.
The nurses in the center are compassionate and kind (I can't say the same for myself) and my nurse gives me a hug. The other nurse in the center comes over and gives me a hug.
Every time a new drug is added, my nurse explains what they are giving me and how long the process will take.
While I am going through the process, it seems like I can feel everything my body is doing. My hands feel like they heat up, I get yucky tastes in my mouth. I wonder if part of this is imagined because I am so anxious. Every part of me wants to break and run. But being hooked to an IV makes this kind of difficult.
It is strange to think that without this process, my life expectancy would be 2 to 3 years. So, it is through the torture I put myself. I am not sure how much time chemo and a mastectomy will buy me, but the doctor is optimistic.
By the way, I have a great doctors. I like them all. When I am with my medical oncologist, I feel like I am watching a computer work. He is very concentrated and exact (which personally I appreciate). I think he must have a pretty high IQ. Then every once in a while he throws out something funny that makes you laugh.
During the day, my friend and I talk. She makes me laugh. She goes and gets us lunch. She watches a movie on her iPad and I watch a movie on my computer, even though I really can't pay attention. I know in my heart that if she had not been here with me today, I would have been more of a wreck than I already am. It is comforting to know you can have someone with you, who allows you to be yourself, and you don't have to hide your feelings.
The treatement finishes at around 3:00 p.m. For the most part, I just feel lathargic. But I know a lot of this has to do with the 2 Benadryl they gave me when the process started. Benadryl wipes me out.
The nurse reminds me that I have to be back tomorrow after 3:00 p.m. to get a shot to boost my white blood cells. All I can sarcastically think is "yay".
Friday, August 29, 2014
Life Changes
Life can change in a matter of moments. Death, health issues, financials struggles, and other changes in life can happen in a matter of moments. The challenges we face can be overwhelming. For many people, God is a source of hope and strength.
Recently being diagnosed with breast cancer, for the third time, has caused me to have a wide range of emotions, sometimes all at the same time. I now have new struggles to deal with that I really don't want to deal with.
On the negative side of this, I am extremely angry that my body has decided to try to destroy me. I find myself, at times, self-absorbed, unable to concentrate, scared, and angry.
On the positive side of this, I find that I have blessed to have amazing support from my family, friends, church family, and doctors. I have not only received many kinds words from people letting me know that they are here for me, and that they will be praying for me, but, I have people who call and check on me and people who have been assisting me while I go through this process. If I did not have this support I do not think I could make it through this new struggle.
On the downside of all of this, I have received many words, that are meant to be kind, but have been frustrating and hurtful. In telling people that I have cancer again, I have gotten responses like, "oh, don't say you have cancer, because then you claim it"; "you don't have cancer"; "if you have faith you will be healed"; "you have to believe you are already healed (tell that one to my body)"; or, "God died on the cross, so you don't have cancer (also tell that one to the body)".
These type of words are damaging. If I did not already have my faith and hope in God, these types of words would make me feel like I was deficient with God. It would make me feel like I had somehow deserved this path. And if for any reason, the cancer leads to death, that this would be my fault. And even though I know in my heart, the people that say these types of words are trying to give encouragement, I am quickly losing my patience with this.
I am curious as to who has the right to determine the path God has chosen for each person? Do they not think they will pass on to God someday? Do they know the date and time God has chosen for each person? Is is not our struggles that allow us to have the compassion for people and allow us to help people? Is is not these struggles that allow us to show the grace of God in times of trouble?
What is meant to be words of life, can be words of heartache. Can we stop the processes of God because it is inconvenient for us? Is the will of God to be stopped because what is going on is not what we want? Are we better than God, that we are to decide what is best for someone life? What if what we are going through is to reach someone for God?
What is faith? Is it not faith to accept that God is with us and we are under the will of God? Is it not faith to know that as we walk through the "valley of death, God is with us" and that "His rod and staff comfort us"? When did God promise us we would not have struggles in our life?
Faith is knowing that God is with us, that He is with us each moment of our life. That, be it God's will, he will pull us through and work miracles in our life.
It seems sometimes we forget that, under God, it is His will is to be accomplished, not ours. The struggles may lead to reaching out to someone who does not know God, and it may change their life. As a Christian, we must be careful not to become so selfish that in our arrogance we think we know all that God is. Remember that God said, "His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts".
When trying to encourage someone going through you struggles, please be careful with your words. Sometimes it is best to keep some of your religious opinions to yourself.
The words that I find more helpful are:
Do not tell people to call you if they need anything, unless you mean it.
The best things I have found are when people:
Recently being diagnosed with breast cancer, for the third time, has caused me to have a wide range of emotions, sometimes all at the same time. I now have new struggles to deal with that I really don't want to deal with.
On the negative side of this, I am extremely angry that my body has decided to try to destroy me. I find myself, at times, self-absorbed, unable to concentrate, scared, and angry.
On the positive side of this, I find that I have blessed to have amazing support from my family, friends, church family, and doctors. I have not only received many kinds words from people letting me know that they are here for me, and that they will be praying for me, but, I have people who call and check on me and people who have been assisting me while I go through this process. If I did not have this support I do not think I could make it through this new struggle.
On the downside of all of this, I have received many words, that are meant to be kind, but have been frustrating and hurtful. In telling people that I have cancer again, I have gotten responses like, "oh, don't say you have cancer, because then you claim it"; "you don't have cancer"; "if you have faith you will be healed"; "you have to believe you are already healed (tell that one to my body)"; or, "God died on the cross, so you don't have cancer (also tell that one to the body)".
These type of words are damaging. If I did not already have my faith and hope in God, these types of words would make me feel like I was deficient with God. It would make me feel like I had somehow deserved this path. And if for any reason, the cancer leads to death, that this would be my fault. And even though I know in my heart, the people that say these types of words are trying to give encouragement, I am quickly losing my patience with this.
I am curious as to who has the right to determine the path God has chosen for each person? Do they not think they will pass on to God someday? Do they know the date and time God has chosen for each person? Is is not our struggles that allow us to have the compassion for people and allow us to help people? Is is not these struggles that allow us to show the grace of God in times of trouble?
What is meant to be words of life, can be words of heartache. Can we stop the processes of God because it is inconvenient for us? Is the will of God to be stopped because what is going on is not what we want? Are we better than God, that we are to decide what is best for someone life? What if what we are going through is to reach someone for God?
What is faith? Is it not faith to accept that God is with us and we are under the will of God? Is it not faith to know that as we walk through the "valley of death, God is with us" and that "His rod and staff comfort us"? When did God promise us we would not have struggles in our life?
Faith is knowing that God is with us, that He is with us each moment of our life. That, be it God's will, he will pull us through and work miracles in our life.
It seems sometimes we forget that, under God, it is His will is to be accomplished, not ours. The struggles may lead to reaching out to someone who does not know God, and it may change their life. As a Christian, we must be careful not to become so selfish that in our arrogance we think we know all that God is. Remember that God said, "His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts".
When trying to encourage someone going through you struggles, please be careful with your words. Sometimes it is best to keep some of your religious opinions to yourself.
The words that I find more helpful are:
- I am sorry you are going through this.
- I will praying for God to strengthen you as you going through this. Make sure you pray.
- I will be praying for God to give you peace while you go through this. Make sure you pray.
- I will be praying for God to heal you. Make sure you pray.
Do not tell people to call you if they need anything, unless you mean it.
The best things I have found are when people:
- Call and say, how can I help you today.
- Call and say, how are you doing today. Though, if not the phone is not answered, don't be offended. It may be a bad day.
- Call and say, can I go with you to one of your treatments.
- Send a card of encouragement. I have been taping the cards to one of my walls in my office.
- I am bringing your dinner.
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